~ Quiet in the Library ~


I couldn't just pack it all up and move on to the next adventure, though. I had put too much into this attempt. I let my fury at my slip-up fuel my resolve. I would sit for hours and stare furiously at my bed (for some reason I let that be the embodiment of my oversleeping, even though it played no part in it at all).

In my head this attempt was a make or break attempt. It was inextricably linked to my sense of self-value. If I quit at this, then I was a quitter. If I stuck it out, I had some hope. I also had big plans for the days after I adapted. I planned to use them to build a business empire (I own a company which among various other things, makes video games). I figured that with the extra time I could develop it to the point that I didn't have to go to my day job any more. I think in genera that it is a bad idea to start an Uberman attempt with the view of using the extra time generated for work, because no one wants to adapt, only to do more work. It's not a strong reason and it wont give you the determination necessary to follow though with it. In this case, however, I really enjoyed making games and developing a business. I would do it in my free time anyway...I do.

Speaking of work, by day 11 the prospect of returning to my actual day job was fast approaching. I still was not adapting, and couldn't trust that I would be adapted by day 14, when I had to go back. I had hoped that I would be fully adapted by day 11, and could sit back smugly and enjoy the extra time before I went back to work. I was also looking forward to seeing all my friends (those I had trusted with the secret) and tell them that I had succeeded where once I had failed. Strangely this made me want to quit all the more. The annoying voice in my head which personifies all of my fears and self-doubts was saying that it would be better to stop now and at least go back to work as a refreshed failure, rather than a burnt out failure. And there is some, warped, logic to that I guess. But I'm a stubborn bugger, as my girlfriend will attest. I decided that I would stick it out to day 13, the day before I was to go back to work, and see how I felt. I didn't hold out much hope, but it was the only compromise that didn't make me want to try self harm.